From Behind the Shame Wall
Shame has a way of convincing us we’re alone. But it’s one of the most universal human experiences there is.
Unlike primary emotions such as joy, anger, or fear, which are direct responses to real-life experiences, shame is more elusive and multifaceted, generated in our thoughts. It seeps in quietly, shapes how we see ourselves, and over time can wear away at our sense of ease, connection, and belonging.
It’s not something that happens to us so much as something that gets generated inside our minds, often without our even realizing it.
In this piece, I want to slow shame down, take a closer look at it, and offer a different way of relating to it. We’ll explore what shame actually is, why I don’t see it as a primary emotion, how it shows up in everyday life, and what it means to gently step out from behind what I call the shame wall. Step by step, we can begin to tend ourselves with a more compassionate, honest approach.
What is Shame?
At its core, shame is the feeling of wanting to hide, disappear, or distance ourselves from some part of who we are—or from an experience we’re having. It’s a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, or failure in meeting one's own or others' expectations. It arises in moments where one feels exposed, judged, or humiliated, and these judgements are often self-inflicted.
It often carries messages like:
This part of me is messed up.
This part of me is too much.
This part of me is not enough.
Unlike guilt, which is focused on specific behaviors ("I did something bad"), shame targets the self ("This part of me is bad"). This distinction is crucial, as shame can erode our self-esteem and hinder our ability to form healthy connections.
That distinction matters.
Guilt can guide repair. Shame tends to collapse us inward, shrinking our sense of worth and making authentic connection and repair feel risky or impossible.
Why Shame is Not a Primary Emotion
Primary emotions—joy, sadness, fear, anger, hurt, surprise, disgust—are part of our original wiring. They show up early in life, across cultures, and help us respond to life in real time. They’re adaptive. They move energy. They give us information.
Shame is different.
I see shame as a secondary emotion, or even a protective strategy we learn through relationships, social norms, family systems, and cultural expectations. It’s a blend of primary emotions, thoughts, and beliefs about how we measure up in comparison to others.
Because shame is learned, it often hides in plain sight. And because it’s tied to belonging and survival, it can be incredibly hard to name—let alone soften.
The "Shame Wall"
The concept of the "shame wall" is the psychological structure we build to protect ourselves from feeling exposed, judged, or unworthy. Behind this wall live our unmet needs, our primary feelings, and our most vulnerable longings for closeness and care. The shame wall keeps us from recognizing and addressing these needs, as doing so would expose us to the very vulnerability we fear.
So instead we put pieces of ourselves behind a big wall of shame:
actions we’ve taken that we believe were “wrong”
primary emotions we were taught were unacceptable
parts of us that feel pride, pleasure, confidence
parts that feel too small, too big, critical, competitive, jealous, or hungry for more
As my mentor Bonnie MacBride often says, we are socialized to put parts of ourselves behind the shame wall. Over time, this becomes a quiet agreement with ourselves:
Don’t feel that.
Don’t want that.
Don’t be that.
This is a form of denial—not in a dramatic way, but in a slow, subtle way that disconnects us from our own aliveness. And we end up in more suffering, more rigidity, and more struggle in our relationships.
How Shame Shows Up In Every Day Life
Shame doesn’t always look dramatic. Often, it’s woven into very ordinary moments.
Here are a few common ways it shows itself:
Crying When the Attention Is on You
Have you ever noticed yourself tearing up when attention lands on you—when someone acknowledges you, helps you, or simply sees you?
The tears might look like vulnerability, sadness, gratitude, or even empathy for others. But often, this is a shame response. The tears rush in to protect us from the imagined judgment of others—from fears that we’re not good enough, that our need is too much, or even a defense against feeling the primary emotion of joy, the joy we feel at being care for and knowing that we matter to someone.
Blaming Others When You Feel “Called Out”
When someone points out a difference, a misstep, or a blind spot, shame can activate fast. Instead of staying present or curious, we may deflect, argue, or blame.
Sometimes anger lives underneath (and honestly—who likes being called out?). But many of us learned early on that anger wasn’t welcome or safe. So shame steps in to cover it, hiding the anger behind the shame wall and instead we fall into shame induced outrage, making the other person seem like the one who is wrong.
Not Speaking Up for What You Want
For many of us, shame = going quiet. The fear of being seen as needy, demanding, inadequate or “too much” can keep us from speaking our truth or revealing ourselves. Over time, this silence leads to lives shaped more by accommodation than authenticity. We shrink to fit our perceived expectations of others.
Holding Yourself Back from Opportunities
Avoiding opportunities, competition, or visibility can also be a shame response. The fear of failing, being exposed, or being judged can stop us before we even begin. This self-protection, while understandable, often reinforces the very beliefs that keep us stuck.
Softening Shame & Growing Self-Compassion
Working with shame isn’t about eliminating it. It’s about bringing it into relationship, shining a light on it.
Here are some gentle ways to begin:
Name It, Kindly
Start noticing when shame shows up. Pay attention to your body, your thoughts, the urge to shrink or hide. Naming it—without going into shame about your shame—begins to loosen its grip.
Question the Story
Shame survives on isolation, disconnection and unquestioned beliefs.
Ask yourself:
Do I have proof that this is a fact and not a story?
Where else in my life do I feel this way?
What might be a more compassionate view of this part of me?
Practice Being Seen
This kind of vulnerability isn’t about exposing your wounds more than you are ready. This process is a gentle revealing, just to the depth that wont send you over the edge. Share what you feel ashamed of with someone you trust—someone who can hold it with care, warmth, and love rather than judgment. This is you allowing yourself to depend on another human being for a reparative experience.
When shame is met with acceptance, it begins to dissolve. Not from a place of casting out parts of you—but a deeper, internalized self-love.
Offer Yourself Compassion
Speak to yourself the way you would to someone you love. Imagine someone else in your exact situation, and give to yourself the same acknowledgment you would give them. Compassion for your own struggle. You’re allowed to be human and complex and unfinished.
Get Support
If shame feels deeply woven into your nervous system or history, working with a therapist or wise mentor can be profoundly relieving.
Healing shame almost always happens in relationship.
Closing Thoughts
Shame has a way of convincing us we’re alone. But it’s one of the most universal human experiences there is.
When we understand how it works—and meet it with compassion instead of condemnation—we begin to soften its hold. We can begin to reclaim the parts of ourselves from behind the shame wall; some of those parts are really important. As we stay present with ourselves in our shame reactions, something tender is exposed.
And that presence is what makes real connection—and real change—possible.
A gentle first step
If you’d like more personalized support in navigating the terrain of shame and discovering your inner strengths, I have space in my practice for one new client to start in the new year.
Click here to schedule a free "Connection Call” where we can get a feel for how we could work together.
